SCENARIO FOR A COMEBACK
December 18, 2003

by Joe Sobran

     Same-sex marriage remains a throbbing issue. 
American politicians warn that it could undermine the 
family, while in France, right-wing demagogues are saying 
it threatens one of that country's most venerable 
institutions, the menage a trois.

     What impact would same-sex marriage have on the 
harem? The question may become urgent as predominantly 
Muslim Iraq moves toward democratic elections.

     The situation may be complicated by the unexpected 
entry of a new candidate into the race. It goes to show 
what a fast-changing world we live in.

     The NEW YORK POST reports that Saddam ("Never Say 
Die!") Hussein has defied his American hosts -- or 
guests, if you want to look at it that way -- to go ahead 
and hold elections, because he will "win big" if they do. 
He can point to an unbroken record of landslide victories 
in the past, and thanks to President Bush he has gained a 
huge advantage over any possible opponent in name 
recognition.

     Most of us assumed that Saddam was finished when he 
was arrested -- a story so sensational that it knocked 
Michael Jackson off the front pages. But we were jumping 
to conclusions.

     President Bush has termed Saddam a "murderer" and 
"torturer," to which the ex-president of Iraq might 
reply, "Call me anything you like, as long as you spell 
the name right -- or is that asking too much?"

     Anyway, the resilient Saddam has already thrown his 
hat into the ring, or at least signaled his availability. 
He is prepared to serve his country again. You have to 
hand it to him. A lesser man might have thrown in the 
towel by now.

     But if he runs for another term, he will have to 
face more competition than he is used to. He won't be 
able to dodge thorny issues like the same-sex harem. And, 
let's face it, he'll have to work on his image. He can 
take tips from some of our own presidents.

     First, he could grow that beard back. After all, it 
worked for Lincoln. Of course his next beard will have to 
be better groomed than the last one. Then he could 
present himself as the New Saddam (think of the New 
Nixon), or (borrowing from an old foe) a Kinder, Gentler 
Saddam.

     If pressed to explain those torture chambers, he 
could use Clinton-type phrases like "time to move on," 
"put it behind us," and "doing the job the Iraqi people 
elected me to do." And let's not forget that other 
Clinton stand-by, "I can't remember."

     Saddam could even learn something from us newspaper 
columnists. Here's a trade secret: any time you want to 
sound authoritative, don't say, "I think ..." That's just 
your opinion! Begin your sentences with "Experts agree 
..." or "Studies have shown ..." These phrases tell the 
audience that you are not emitting mere opinion, but 
adducing *scientific fact,* attested by hard-headed 
committees of sociologists.

     And though no longer the incumbent, Saddam will have 
another edge: he knows a lot of sensitive secrets. Faced 
with an awkward question, he can avoid answering by 
pleading "national security." This won't sound like an 
evasion, because the public will say, in the finest 
spirit of democracy, "That's right! He was president for 
a long time! He knows lots of things we don't know, which 
are none of our business! Sorry we asked!"

     Dictatorships may depend on torture chambers, but 
democracies run on bamboozle. Saddam will have to make 
the adjustment. For a proud old man, that will be the 
tough part. He can't very well call himself the Comeback 
Kid. Every politician has to find the one bamboozle that 
works, uniquely, for *him.*

     A good place to start would be cyberspace. Yes, 
Saddam must learn to use the Internet. It's the cheap and 
effective way to get your message out. Like countless 
others, I have made personal contact with several former 
high officials of the governments of Liberia and Nigeria 
without leaving my office. (I can't disclose details, but 
some lucrative deals are in the works.)

     But the big question remains: Just what would 
Saddam's message be? Only he can answer that one. Like 
Ted Kennedy, like *all* democratic politicians, he will 
just have to recall the ideals that impelled him into 
public service in the first place.

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