The Reactionary Utopian
                     November 6, 2006

by Joe Sobran

     As I write, tomorrow is election day and though I'm 
not foolish enough to vote, I can't help sharing the 
excitement. If you haven't been listening to Rush 
Limbaugh, you have no excuse for acting surprised when 
the Republicans win by a landslide, contrary to what the 
drive-by media have been telling you. Rush really has his 
finger on the pulse. Also he takes a lot of drugs.

     The big issue, of course, is the war in Iraq, which 
my old friend Fred Barnes of THE WEEKLY STANDARD has 
called "the greatest act of benevolence one nation has 
ever performed for another." I think I see his point. Not 
only have we given Iraq democracy; now that Saddam 
Hussein has been sentenced to hang, the Iraqis will have 
the satisfaction of watching their former ruler at the 
end of a rope, his feet kicking spasmodically for a few 
delicious seconds.

     Even if the Democrats carry both houses of Congress, 
this is a spectacle we are unlikely to enjoy here in the 
Land of the Free. Instead, President Bush, like President 
Clinton before him, will probably be allowed to live out 
his term and then go into honorable retirement with as 
much White House furniture as he and his wife can carry 
off with them.

     Under our form of government, Mrs. Bush will then be 
free to seek a seat in the U.S. Senate and run for the 
presidency herself. If so, one of her potential 
Republican rivals will probably have been eliminated: 
Senator George Allen of Virginia has already destroyed 
his own White House prospects in a novel way. He has come 
up with an entirely new ethnic slur, "macaca," now 
delicately referred to here in Virginia as "the M-word."

     Allen blames his mother for teaching him this word 
and for not telling him that she is Jewish. This means 
that he is technically Jewish too, so he can always run 
for president of Israel. But he may not be too popular 
there either, since he reacted with indignation when a 
reporter asked him if he was Jewish. You'd have thought 
it was an accusation. As I write, Allen has only a few 
hours remaining to anger other ethnic groups.

     Allen was supposed to win easy reelection this year, 
since this is a democracy and he has lots of money, but 
his challenger, James Webb, has pulled even with him 
through the simple but potent strategy of pointing out 
that he is not George Allen. Allen has retorted that this 
is a lie, and that Webb, moreover, writes dirty books 
demeaning to women, especially naked ones. Not only has 
Webb surged in the polls; his books are selling like 

     Allen's ads run something like this: "James Webb is 
an even worse bigot than I am. I'm George Allen, and I 
was dumb enough to approve this message." In fact, Allen 
has surpassed even President Bush for goofy gaffes. Only 
John Kerry can save him now.

     But the election is still unpredictable because of 
another factor, or what Allen might call the macaca in 
the woodpile. CNN reports that many women aren't 
exercising "their hard-won right to vote." Sensible 
girls, if you ask me. "If voting could change anything," 
someone has observed, "it would be illegal." Amen.

     I mean, think about it. The chance that your vote 
could change the result is minuscule minus. And even if 
it did, the U.S. Supreme Court would have to overrule it.

     If the vote is so precious, then the penalty for not 
paying taxes would be simply to strip you of it. No need 
to put you in the clink. You'd appear at the polls, 
they'd tell you, "Sorry, you haven't paid your taxes," 
and you'd whimper, "You're not really going to take away 
my franchise, my most precious freedom, are you?!"

     If this were enforced -- if the citizen were faced 
with the stark choice between paying taxes and being 
deprived of the vote -- then either voters or taxpayers 
would cease to exist. Care to guess which? The big 
question facing the analysts every election day would be 
whether anyone would show up. ("NBC now projects that a 
couple of senior citizens in Florida may cast ballots.") 
The cost of buying votes would soar astronomically.

     But we can be sure of one thing: Rush Limbaugh would 
still vote Republican.


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