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We the Sheep
 Am I dreaming, or what? The Republicans are on the
ropes, and everyone is surprised that the Democrats can’t seem to
take  advantage
of the situation.
But isn’t this in the nature
of a two-party system when both parties have already failed to give
satisfaction? When you’re tired of dysentery, does that mean you
should prefer to go back to the nausea that preceded it?
Suppose the two big parties were
the Prohibition Party and the Vegetarian Party, even though most people like
both meat and drink. Are you with me so far? Okay, so the Prohibition Party
rules for a while, but prohibiting the consumption of alcohol turns out to be a
dubious idea in practice. The voters decide that prohibiting the consumption
of meat couldn’t be any worse, so they put the Vegetarians in power.
Still with me? Now it’s
illegal to eat meat, but the Vegetarians leave all the laws against alcohol in
effect. This comes as an unhappy surprise to the people who thought that
either party would at least offer relief from the other one.
Civics for Suckers, Lesson One: In
a two-party system, you can get the evils of both parties at the same time.
Maybe you voted Republican because you hated the way the Democrats
always inch in the general direction of socialism. The joke’s on you!
The Republicans start a war and simultaneously accelerate the drive toward
socialism.
Have you learned anything? If you
are a typical American, probably not. So you buy a ticket to
Brokeback Mountain and try to forget. At least in the movie
the world makes some sort of crazy sense for a couple of hours. It’s
a world where you know right from wrong and the scenery is gorgeous. The
men can choose between women like Anne Hathaway or any of thousands of
sheep, so, given the alternatives, they choose each other. Did I mention the
great soundtrack music?
![[Breaker quote for
We the Sheep: Defining democracy downward]](2006breakers/060307.gif) Back in the real world, as it is affectionately nicknamed,
the war in Iraq is steadily losing favor. Even Bill Buckley, the retired founder of a pro-war magazine, says it’s time to admit defeat. This causes
the magazine’s current editors, who favor nuking Mecca, to write that
Buckley’s opinion is “premature.” After all, the war is
not yet three years old, and you have to give these cakewalks at least a
decade to work.
Politics is actually a lot of fun, if
you observe it with a sense of humor and don’t get your hopes up.
After all, politicians are basically just like the rest of us, and they behave
just the way you or I might behave if we had the power to jail or shoot our
creditors. In a democracy, the creditors are called “citizens”
and the really gullible ones are called “voters.” Look in the
mirror and ask yourself — honestly, now — which category you
fall into. Keep the number of your local suicide hotline at hand.
It’s bad enough being a
“citizen,” so I decided some time ago not to compound my
troubles by being a “voter” too. This enabled me to see the
world with an exhilarating clarity. Suddenly all the politicians bidding for my
vote became comical little butts, like the figures in a Bruegel painting. At
least I didn’t feel I was their butt anymore. Their slave, maybe, but no
longer their butt.
Not that politicians really laugh at
us. Humor isn’t their long suit. Does the wolf laugh at the sheep? In
the movie I just mentioned, the sheep are protected by guys who shoot at
the wolf. These guys are called “shepherds,” though in the
so-called real world they are called “assassins” or even
“terrorists.” And the wolf can shoot back, which brings us to
Lesson Two: Don’t even think about shooting that wolf.
So when the wolf pounces on your
lamb, just ignore the pitiful bleating and remind yourself that this is a
democracy, where every sheep can freely express its preference for which
kind of wolf it wants to be eaten by. Many sheep, perhaps understandably,
prefer a wolf in sheep’s clothing, which is after all the basic idea of
democracy. So far it has worked pretty well. The wolves all agree on that,
and they want to spread democracy everywhere.
Joseph Sobran |
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| Copyright © 2006 by the
Griffin Internet Syndicate, a division of Griffin Communications This column may not be reprinted in print or Internet publications without express permission of Griffin Internet Syndicate 
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