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 The Republican Future 

November 9, 2006 
now what?Hallelujah! Yippee! Hooray! Gloria in excelsis! Goody- goody! O frabjous day! Hot diggety dog! Heh-heh-heh.

Today's column is "The Republican Future" -- Read Joe's columns the day he writes them.now what?In short, it’s beginning to look a lot like Kwanzaa.

now what?Yes, I’m pleased with the result. Okay, it wasn’t quite the blowout the drive-by media predicted, and it was clouded by the news that Britney and Kevin are divorcing; but as Shakespeare says, ’tis enough, ’twill serve. The Democrats’ capture of the House ensures the lasting infamy of George W. Bush’s sorry presidency, no matter what he does in his remaining two years. Like Bill Clinton’s impeachment, it will leave its stain.

now what?As of 4 a.m. Wednesday, Nancy Pelosi’s charm was already starting to wear thin. By 4:17 it had vanished entirely. The Democrats are crowing now, but they won’t be invulnerable for long.

now what?Unresolved, at this writing, is the question whether the Democrats will also take the Senate. That may come down to a single closerthanthis contest in Virginia, followed by a recount.

now what?Virginia, in short, is the new Florida.

now what?The battle between Senator George Allen, the Republican incumbent, and James Webb, his Democratic challenger, has been complicated by ethnic tensions. After he’d alienated the macaca community, it came out that Allen is a Jew. Technically. Things threatened to get ugly when the Jews refused to accept him and the gentiles refused to take him back.

now what?When the dust settles, the two parties will have to bury the hatchet and work together on the challenges facing our great country, such as whether President Bush should follow Iraq’s former president Saddam Hussein to the gallows. I’m not talking about lynching; I’m talking about the rule of law, due process, equal protection, and all that.

[Breaker quote for The Republican Future: Now what?]now what?No man is above the law, and the Nuremberg trials established the principle that even heads of state may be held accountable for crimes against humanity, such as waging aggressive war. This goes far beyond impeachment, an idea the Democrats have already flirted with. We’re talking about the death penalty, for which George W. Bush, as governor of Texas, has already demonstrated his enthusiasm. (It goes with family values.)

now what?I am opposed to capital punishment, and I’m not going to make an exception now, but the Nuremberg principle can be served without actually going through with a hanging. It will be enough if Bush is formally held responsible for his deeds and convicted. Then, perhaps, President Cheney, a man of mercy but not necessarily infinite mercy, could issue a pardon at the last minute, just before they kicked the chair out from under Bush’s feet, commuting the sentence to hard labor.

now what?It might add to the drama, and the fun, if President Cheney would imitate Governor Bush in mocking Bush’s pleas for clemency by squealing, in a high falsetto, “Don’t kill me! Oh, please don’t kill me!” the way Bush did for that woman, what was her name, before her sentence was executed back in Texas. We don’t want blood, but a little exemplary justice would be mighty nice.

now what?All this still leaves us with a practical question: What are the Republicans going to do in 2008? Recent events have taken a heavy toll on their prospective presidential candidates. For various reasons I think we can rule out Cheney, Allen, John McCain, Rudy Giuliani, Jeb Bush, George H.W. Bush, Mike Bloomberg, Condoleezza Rice, Mitt Romney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Newt Gingrich, Sam Brownback, Jerry Ford, and Bob Dole, all of whom are technically eligible (except Schwarzenegger) but who fail to meet other criteria.

now what?That leaves one man: Dan Quayle. Not only is he eligible, but he has executive experience and would raise the Republicans’ intellectual level. Everything old is new again.

now what?Quayle has never been a media darling, but his image is still youthful, yet he has powerful nostalgic appeal. He is untouched by scandal; he has never shot a hunting companion; he is not known to be gay; he has written no dirty books; he has no lesbian children; he was born in this country; he has never started a war or antagonized a major ethnic community; he is not being sued by an embittered former wife. His only known flaw is poor spelling.

now what?As Republicans go, Quayle is a fascinating enigma. If anything, he is perhaps too perfect.

Joseph Sobran

Copyright © 2006 by the Griffin Internet Syndicate,
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