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Rated FDR
 As
I write, Anna Nicole’s remarkable
corpse is still in a Florida morgue and closure appears to be a long way off.
The cremation compromise is not an option. This is a case which, as the
judge himself has suggested, even Solomon couldn’t
resolve.  Nobody
even thinks of putting Anna Nicole behind us.
Fox News
reports that the remains are “decomposing,” presumably
except for the implants, which, to today’s American male, appear to
be the really crucial feature of the female anatomy. The legal battle will
apparently continue until nothing else is left. And Hugh Hefner has stood out
for chivalry in not claiming paternity for little Daniellyn. Not that anyone
would believe him anyway.
Closure?
Don’t make me laugh. There’s no such thing anymore. Think of
Nothing
ever really gets settled nowadays, even when the evidence seems decisive
and all the experts agree. The fighting doesn’t really start until the
jury is in. The 2000 presidential election remains in dispute, as does the
authorship of “Shakespeare.”
Everything
you once were sure of is now in doubt. Change confuses people, but not
animals. My dog never seems to notice how different the world is from the
days, not so long ago, when she was a puppy. I wish I could adjust the way she
does.
I keep
watching the Animal Planet channel and learning that some notorious
predator has been unjustly maligned. It’s embarrassing to discover
that I’ve been avoiding piranha-infested waters all these years for no
reason. Next we’ll be told by some chipper Aussie bloke that the
gentle piranha is man’s best friend, now an endangered species.
And
that’s not the end of it. Revisionism is in the air. Every slam-dunk
turns out to be a fraud.
Most
historians agree that Franklin Roosevelt was one of our greatest presidents.
His face is on the dime and we have a great memorial to him in Washington.
However, he smoked cigarettes (his pals Churchill and Stalin smoked cigars
and pipes); you’ve seen the famous photos of him with his jaunty
cigarette holder in his teeth. This now brings him afoul of the same liberals
who have always adored him.
![[Breaker quote for Rated FDR: Anna Nicole and history]](2007breakers/070215.gif) They
have a point. Think of the way this
man dealt death to those around him, filling the White House with
second-hand smoke and inspiring young people to follow his example. And since there
is now a movement afoot to give R ratings to movies showing people
smoking, soon our kids may not be able to see a biopic of FDR unless
accompanied by a parent or guardian. So much for the Greatest Generation,
not to mention Humphrey Bogart. (In one of his films, Bogey puffs cigarettes
in a hospital bed. It seems prehistoric.) Within a few years, the Western
powers may be at war, undeclared of course, with the Axis of Tobacco.
It should be
said in his defense that Roosevelt ordered the development of the atomic
bomb, which does not produce much second-hand smoke, and he was
handicapped long before it became really fashionable. True, he preferred
Stalin to Churchill, but that only shows his basic humanity. Roosevelt had a
special appeal to immigrants, and as one congressman put it this week,
“Immigrants are the lifeblood on which this country is built.”
Well said!
Whatever
his faults, FDR never tried to bring democracy to the Middle East. He may
have been evil, depraved, mendacious, cynical, murderous, and adulterous,
but at least he wasn’t Then again,
no president has had a goofier wife than Eleanor Roosevelt, who had buck
teeth that could eat an apple through a tennis racket, and Roosevelt
couldn’t control her. Even second-hand smoke couldn’t finish
Mrs. Roosevelt off. Long after her death (there was no protracted legal
struggle over her body, and closure was swiftly achieved, perhaps because it
had no implants), her ghost continued to haunt the White House, giving Hillary
Clinton progressive ideas. This must certainly be taken into account if Hillary
gets back in there.
Let the
lawyers keep wrangling if they want to. Meanwhile, Congress can act now,
setting aside a few billion and a few acres along the Potomac for the Smith
Memorial.
Joseph Sobran |
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| Copyright © 2007 by the
Griffin Internet Syndicate, a division of Griffin Communications This column may not be reprinted in print or Internet publications without express permission of Griffin Internet Syndicate 
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